I'm so very tired, and yet I'm awake. I sleepwalk through most days, sure that I'll collapse into bed each night and sleep blissful sleep......like, the whole night long.
I can't remember the last time I actually did that.
Why do the thoughts & memories & hurts that I keep giving to the Lord continue to come back to haunt me? This is the question I'm asking of Him tonight as I lay awake, tossing this way and that, trying to push the thoughts from my mind until I can't take it anymore.....and I find myself here. I had let this go.....had let my domain renewal lapse, determining to let this part of me that can put the things I'm thinking and feeling into written words when I can't find the adequate words to speak....go. I had determined I was done here. No words left.
Or maybe, in the middle of the night when I can't sleep yet again, there are some left after all.
I've asked the same question so many times over the past year....."Why do the thoughts & memories & hurts that I keep giving to You continue to come back to haunt me?" I ask again and again, I give it all to Him again and again.....and find it right back in my lap before I know what has hit me or what I have done to put it back there.
I just want to REST. Sweet, peaceful, contented......Rest. I pray for Rest for my body.....and soul, the kind of rest that I haven't had in what seems like such a very long time. I beg for it desperately and can't seem to find it, and wonder, wonder, wonder....what I'm doing wrong.
I honestly don't know.
I know that I'm tired. Worn out. And I'm tired of being tired and word out. There's a big part of me that's broken. And I desperately need Him to fix it. Desperate enough to post this post, or maybe just so tired in the middle of the night that I'm delirious & I've lost good judgement and common sense. Desperate enough to be blatantly transparent and to ask for prayer. I'll probably regret it in the morning. ;)
I'm leaving tomorrow (or actually, today) to take a weekend trip that I'm dreading so completely. I don't want to go. I have to be strong and do the right thing and I have to go, but I feel so weary. Never in my life have I felt such weariness and after an emotional week, I'm afraid I can't handle it. I'm afraid I can't be strong enough and hold back the tears and emotions for those I want to be strong for.
I know His peace and the Rest I pray for will come in His perfect timing.
Please, Lord, let it be soon. I'm ready.
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